I am a 31 year old queer living in Europe. I recently met a 46-year-old man. We visited one city on business, got acquainted in the app and went on a series of amazing dates. We have many similar interests and work in parallel fields. Now we are planning a trip to see you. Partly for him it’s a business trip, but we’ll take a vacation together after the working part of the trip is over for him. To get to the bottom of it, he makes a lot more money than I do. He offered to cover as much as he needed. I feel like I’m not out of my league here! I like him very much and he seems to like me very much, but I struggle with the feeling that this is a “dad and his boy” situation. Do I need to fight this feeling or lean towards it? It’s not the dynamics as he said he wants. I don’t mind if we agree that this is what we do. But I don’t want to accidentally get into Dad / Boy dynamics because of money and “status”. How do I date him as someone closer to my age and income? – Knowledge of the economic position is weak
If Dad / Boy dynamics aren’t what you want (if it doesn’t excite you and / or you worry, it will make everything weird) and it’s not what he wants (provided he doesn’t just say because he thought it was what you wanted to hear), then you definitely shouldn’t “lean towards it”. Instead, you should handle the cost of this trip just as couples with large income differences share rent. If you were earning 50 thousand a year and he was earning 150 thousand a year and you wanted to leave together but weren’t ready to pool your finances, you had to pay a quarter of the rent, and he would pay three-quarters of the rent boards. The same goes for utilities, food and other expenses.
But you’re not driving together, KEPT, you’re just going on vacation, so things can be a little more relaxed. If you can afford to fly the bus while he wants to fly first class, he has to cover the difference between the fare on the bus and the first class fare. If he wants to cover the hotel (big expense), you have to cover the food – maybe not all, especially if he wants to eat in chic places, but enough to make you, him, understand both your waiter and the angels and saints watching from heaven that you are not a restrained boy. (Nothing will make you feel less “saved” than pulling out your own credit card.)
And the first part of the trip – on business, and he is supposed to go with or without you, BURIAL, you should not feel guilty for not paying for food or a hotel on this leg – a hotel room where he will stay with or without you, food he would have paid for with or without you, but you might treat him to a surprise at a stage of the trip that you can afford (provided that any of you want to leave your room at the hotel at this stage of your relationship).
The differences you describe – in age, income and stages of your career – are what almost all couples have faced, and in the case of income and career growth – what most couples face. But don’t spend too much time thinking about how you’re going to do it in the long run; you just met, you really liked each other and you are both ready to travel long distances to keep seeing each other. That should be your focus right now, KEPT. If he was uncomfortable covering most of the costs, he would not offer it. Instead, he could spend his vacation in the city where you live. Of course, there is a possibility that this was a cunning offer – he offered to cover the cost of the trip, waiting for you to refuse it – and he is going to punish you in some passive-aggressive way for what you did. If that happens, then you can go back to dating guys closer to your age and taxes and / or wealthy guys who don’t play the game. “Dan Savage.”
I’m lonely and weird gay, mostly going on vanilla dates. I was recently dumped by a guy because I confessed to being weird. I also told him I believed in God. I understand this may seem contradictory, but I don’t understand why the two can’t coexist. He told me he couldn’t date anyone who is sexually deviant, who also believes in “fairies at the bottom of the garden”. Both were equally problematic for him: my faith in God and my kinks. I did not expect to be both ashamed and ashamed of God in one breath. Are there things like perverted Christians? Where can I find my tribe? – Upset by the abusive termination of communication
One of the most perverse guys I’ve ever met — a weirdo in a dungeon in his basement, a beating until you scream, weird — was a bishop’s priest. So yes, FAITH, there are amazing Christians. But instead of sitting at home alone and thinking about where your tribe is, go out there and find your tribe. Go to amazing dating programs, go to skin / fetish events, meet a guy without vanilla, make friends without vanilla. If you find a friendly tribe, and it turns out that you are the only believer, as long as no one condemns or disgraces you, FAITH, join this tribe. If you meet guys who have problems with your faith, they may not be part of your tribe.
As for the guy who called you a sexual deviant, who the hell does he think he is? Without deviations from the norm there would be no “normal” gays for this asshole to date. Some of us may deviate more than others, FAITH, but this is just as true for both gays and such people. —DS
The man I met by chance ONE MONTH more than 15 YEARS ago, the man I have been friends with ever since, tells his new girlfriends that I am his “ex-girlfriend.” This revelation causes a lot of unnecessary embarrassment between whoever his current girlfriend is and me. I told him he shouldn’t do it because I was never officially his girlfriend. For 99.999% of the time when I knew him, we were friends, compared to 0.001% of the time when we met very casually. He says he doesn’t want to lie?!? But to say we are friends is not a lie! I hate the embarrassment it causes between me and the women he meets now. They never have the opportunity to meet me and trust me. Help me explain this to him so he finally understands! – Never his girlfriend
He understands this, NHG. The embarrassment he creates between you and his girlfriend at the moment – the embarrassment you find unnecessary and avoidable – is exactly what he wants. Presenting you as his ex, everything becomes awkward with his flow, and the intuitive feeling of his current girlfriend that he is intentionally or thoughtlessly making everything uncomfortable makes him a less attractive partner. He doesn’t want commitment or anything long-term, and instead of being honest, he uses your existence to build barriers between him and who he is dating at the moment. He may not be doing it consciously, but he is doing it the same way and it is bad to do with a friend.
And the next time he does, NHG, he objects and loudly objects, “Don’t be ridiculous! I was NEVER your girlfriend! ” —DS
Hello everyone: The Southern Baptist Convention, the largest Protestant denomination in the United States, has always been terrible. It was founded in 1845 by supporters of slavery, and the organization is still racist in nature. Leaders, churches and preachers in the Southern Baptist Convention have also been the most vocal voices against gays in the country for decades, and lately they have been loudly promoting the lie that gays and trans people – just existing – are somehow preparing children. Well, it turns out the groomers were in the building all the time – in their buildings, in their megachurches, in their leadership – and they didn’t wave rainbow flags and read from Heather has two mothers. They waved Confederate battle flags and read Leviticus. A report released last week on the blockbuster documents decades of sexual violence perpetrated by pastors and leaders of the Southern Baptist Convention. The same preachers who accused gays and lesbians of “coming for your children” came for your children. And in them. As with all power-obsessed social conservatives, as with all Trumpers (and the Southern Baptist Convention is now owned by Trump), every accusation – of corruption, election fraud, sexual abuse – is an admission of guilt. —DS
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