Third: NYU says goodbye to random roommates

Off-Third is WSN’s satire column.

NYU will be doing away with its beloved random roommate selection starting next year, according to a recent announcement by university officials. From this point on, freshmen will have to live with their so-called “friends” without the usual adrenaline rush and excitement that comes with not knowing anything about the other person sleeping in your room.

You can say goodbye to the very experiences that make college “the best years of your life,” like learning how to clean up after someone or exploring the city at night, thanks to a well-timed sext text from your roommate.

“My freshman year roommate was constantly yelling at my parents on the phone while selling my clothes on eBay,” said a freshman in Lipton Hall. “It brings me to tears to think that future first-graders will never experience such joy. She also killed my pet goldfish.’

Over the past few years, the random roommate system has received widespread critical acclaim. Higher education experts often refer to it as “the only thing NYU has.” The university’s Office of Housing and Community Services was inundated with angry calls when news of the policy’s termination broke. A university spokesperson told WSN that it feels like NYU just can’t win.

“We can’t understand why you like this system, we thought you’d be asking us to go away sooner,” the spokesman fumed. “It’s impossible to please all of you.”

Despite the university’s protests, there is ample evidence that this policy is an indispensable pillar of an NYU education. A recent study found that at other, much smaller campuses where students are allowed to choose their own roommates, students reported feeling drowsy and inattentive compared to NYU freshmen.

“After my roommate threw a plate at my head because I asked him to wash his three-month-old’s dishes, I was on high alert, never slept!” said the resident of the Third North. “It saved me a ton of money on coffee, that’s for sure.”

The Opinion section of WSN aims to publish ideas worthy of discussion. The opinions presented in the Opinion section are solely those of the writer.

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This story Third: NYU says goodbye to random roommates first appeared on Washington Square News.

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